Section 1.1: Confrontation and Personal Responses

How do you handle confrontations? Are you adept at asserting yourself against someone who is physically larger, significantly older, or even younger? Can you maintain your stance when faced with an authority figure?

Personally, I struggle with this. I often find myself overwhelmed by panic. Psychologists have identified several common responses to confrontation, and I can relate to many of them.

Fight Response

While visiting Radbourne Hall in Derbyshire, I took my son off the main path to show him a beautiful ski slope. A ranger approached us, threatening to call the police for trespassing. In that moment, I reacted with rage and incoherent shouts, ready for a confrontation. Though I didn't engage in a physical fight, I often reflect on how I could have challenged the ranger's defense of his privilege, particularly considering the history behind it.

Fawn Response

In my workplace, I often chose to retreat rather than express my frustrations about being on a zero-hours contract for 13 years. Instead of standing up for my rights, I attempted to impress the senior management with a business plan, hoping to prove my worth. This reluctance to advocate for myself took a toll on my mental well-being, resulting in years of anxiety and unemployment.

Freeze Response

As a child, I would often freeze in the face of bullying. During a traumatic incident where my friend was assaulted in front of me, I felt paralyzed and unable to help. It was a stark contrast to the heroic scenarios we had imagined playing out during our childhood. Many of these reactions stem from fear of exacerbating an already dire situation, but the resulting guilt and emotional pain can linger for years.

Flight Response

Now, when faced with conflict or disagreements with friends or family, my instinct is to flee. I struggle to confront issues directly, although medication has helped manage my anxiety.

How realistic are our expectations of victims of sexual violence?

Am I alone in these responses? Certainly not. Many can relate to at least one of these reactions, regardless of confidence. Even the most self-assured individuals may have experienced moments of helplessness, whether in childhood or observing others in similar situations.

Why, then, do we expect victims of sexual violence—women, men, and often children—to respond in clear, rational ways when faced with such threats? The experiences I've shared were painful, but they pale in comparison to being attacked by someone stronger and more powerful when one is most vulnerable.

Society seems to expect women to politely decline, then firmly reject advances, and ultimately fight back. The expectation extends to reporting incidents to the police promptly, even when one is still processing the trauma. Personally, I found it challenging to articulate my experience when reporting my friend's assault, likely due to adrenaline and a natural inclination to block out painful memories.

Victims often feel pressure to provide a coherent account of events, but how feasible is this under duress?

Understanding Varied Responses

While recognizing that different people react to confrontation in diverse ways won't eradicate sexual harassment or assault, it is essential knowledge. Some individuals will continue to act with disregard for their victims, lacking empathy. Those I encountered during my confrontations seemed oblivious to their own misconduct.

However, this understanding could prevent some harmful behavior. If I had been aware that "stop" might never be verbally expressed yet still desired, I could have approached the situation with more empathy. I could have engaged in a conversation with the young woman I nearly harmed in my youth, and we both might have left without carrying emotional scars.

Her resistance is clear to me now, yet many still misinterpret reactions to sexual advances as governed by different rules than other confrontations. They are not.

Being cognizant of common reactions to confrontation can also aid individuals like my friend, who was assaulted. They should not carry guilt for not reacting violently when victimized; all my varied responses conveyed the same message: "No. I dislike what you are doing. Please stop."

Is that so difficult to grasp?

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