Chapter 1: The Distance Between Us

In 1987, my sister made the decision to relocate, moving nearly 3,000 miles away at the age of 27. I was 29 at the time, and little did I know that two decades would pass before I would see her again in 2007, when she was 47, and I was 49. Since that brief reunion, we have only met one additional time.

Reflecting on our younger years, the thought of such a rift would have been unfathomable. We envisioned a future where we would stand by each other as maids of honor, raise our children side by side, and eventually reminisce together on a cozy porch, content with our lives. However, reality has been far from that ideal.

Now in our mid-sixties, my sister has shown no interest in visiting me, despite my offers to cover travel expenses for her and her husband. Our encounters have occurred in a city that requires significant travel for both of us. We are both married, yet her disapproval of my wife creates a further divide. Our weddings occurred without the other's presence, and we are both childless.

The situation with our 89-year-old mother is even more strained; my sister has indicated that her involvement is limited to moral support via phone calls if our mother ever requires care. This reality leaves me feeling like an only child.

"You’re all I have," my mother often tells me, and with a heavy heart, I remind her, "You still have two daughters."

Understanding Estrangement in Modern Families

The issue of family estrangement is increasingly prevalent in the United States. Psychologist Joshua Coleman, an expert in the field, notes that recent research has highlighted the growing number of families experiencing this phenomenon. He attributes this rise to shifts in societal values and family dynamics, with estrangement occurring against a backdrop of record parental investment.

According to Coleman, even well-intentioned parents can find their adult children distancing themselves. He points to a significant change in family life over the past 50 years, where the focus has shifted from traditional sources of identity—such as class and community—to an emphasis on personal growth and happiness.

Historian Steven Mintz echoes this sentiment, stating that conflicts within families have evolved from disputes over tangible resources to deeper psychological struggles, making resolution even more challenging.

Reflecting on my sister’s estrangement, I realize that her departure was part of this larger trend. Although she reestablished contact, her distance remains palpable, particularly during significant occasions like holidays and family gatherings.

Chapter 2: The Impact of Accusations

My sister’s estrangement coincided with the "satanic panic" of the 1980s and 1990s. Shortly after she left, she sent letters to our parents and me, filled with claims of repressed memories and satanic ritual abuse uncovered through therapy. My mother struggled to grasp these accusations, asking, "Does she think I hit her with the Shabbos candles?"

This was a bewildering time for me; I had always kept notes about my childhood, vowing to remember my feelings of neglect and misunderstanding. The sister with whom I once bonded over our parents’ shortcomings was now painting them as monstrous figures.

Our parents handled her accusations in their own ways—my father became withdrawn, while my mother sought to understand the growing panic surrounding repressed memories. I found myself caught in the middle, feeling the weight of both sides’ pain.

When my father passed away unexpectedly in September 1991, I struggled to reach my sister, as she had an unlisted number. I wrote her three letters, including one with my father’s obituary, but she admitted later that she had discarded them without reading.

The news of our father’s death fell on her ears through a phone call, and the moment was heart-wrenching as she gasped, "It’s my fault," before hanging up on me.

Navigating the Fallout of Estrangement

During the years that followed, many friends questioned why anyone would make such grave accusations if they weren't true. They often assumed something must have happened to trigger her claims. I grappled with the societal divide—believers versus skeptics—around the satanic ritual abuse narrative.

There were times when I felt anger toward my sister, but I was also deeply concerned for her well-being. I drew parallels to a friend who was grappling with her own memories and accusations, unsure of what was real.

Then, in 2000, my sister called to recant her allegations. She expressed regret, stating that she realized those experiences had not occurred. The weight of shame that had burdened me for years lifted significantly.

She explained that her previous beliefs had stemmed from a community that supported her views, but she had since converted to Christianity and sought to reconnect with our family.

Understanding the Roots of Estrangement

Coleman identifies several factors contributing to family estrangement, including weakened extended family ties, high mobility, and divorce—factors that resonate with my own family dynamics.

After our parents' separation, my sister fell into a deep depression, abandoning her interests and aspirations. I returned home to find her struggling and felt anger toward our parents for their neglect during such a vulnerable time.

As I grew older, I began to understand that while our grievances were legitimate, our parents were also flawed individuals trying to navigate their own challenges. Despite the pain of our family's disintegration, they provided us with a stable home, education, and support during difficult times.

These issues have persisted, making it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with my mother, whom I cannot cut off—doing so would feel like losing a part of myself. My sister, however, feels empowered by her boundaries, even if those boundaries sometimes exclude me.

The Nature of Our Conversations Today

My sister and I maintain a monthly connection, often discussing lighthearted topics. During one call in December, she shared amusing anecdotes about her neighbors and even some quirky facts about processed foods.

While politics and religion occasionally arise, we typically find ourselves enjoying playful banter, re-establishing our bond despite the years apart and our differing beliefs.

I've learned to accept her on her terms. Although she keeps many aspects of her life private to avoid worry, I remind myself of how far we've come. Despite the distance, I cherish our conversations and respect her boundaries, focusing on the positive moments we share.

Conclusion: A Path Forward

As I navigate my relationship with my sister, I hold onto the hope that we can continue to bridge the gaps forged by time and circumstance. By respecting her boundaries and fostering open communication, I aim to keep our connection alive, even amidst the complexities of family estrangement.