Chapter 1: A Glimpse into the Past

This piece originates from a collection of writings stored in my drafts on Medium, as well as various Word documents and handwritten notes. The purpose of "Reflections from the Vault" is to unveil these thoughts, many of which were penned during fleeting moments of emotion. Although they are remnants of the past, the sentiments they capture remain vivid, preserved in ink on paper.

I’ve decided to publish these writings under the guiding principle: “If I don’t share it now, I may never do it.” I appreciate your time in reading this brief introduction, and I hope you find some enjoyment in this journey as much as I relished in crafting these words. Today, I present to you "As Long as You're Well."

Have a wonderful day, evening, or night. 😊

Photo by Nelson Ricardo on Unsplash

Today has been quite unusual; I dreamt that I was at peace, floating in a river or lagoon (curiously, "Laguna" was the name of a past love). I shared this with my girlfriend, and she simply replied, "That's a strange dream."

Today has been one of those days when you just want to be alone, away from everyone. I told Mar that I needed a break from social interaction, where solitude, a book (the companionship of an author and their words), and my own thoughts are all I desire. All I need is my computer to write, and nothing more. She understood and reassured me, saying, “As long as you’re well.”

Photo by Helena Cook on Unsplash

I read Bukowski today; it’s fascinating how he described his admiration for past authors like Hemingway, imagining that in years to come, he would be viewed in a similar light. Engaging with a writer’s work allows us to glimpse a facet of their essence that can only be accessed through their written words. Ultimately, every piece of writing serves as a window into the author's life.

Photo by Nick Morrison on Unsplash

"As long as you're well"—how can I truly be okay? My girlfriend, who is not officially my girlfriend yet due to my fear of commitment, patiently awaits my proposal. Yet, how can I feel alright when the burden of being human and experiencing emotions can be overwhelming?

Why did I let Mar into my heart? Why does she continue to stay? Am I really okay? My body screams health and vitality. How could I feel unwell when I have family, friends, a girlfriend, financial stability, and time? My body exclaims youth and freedom, yet my mind craves peace and stability.

How can I feel well when I am caught between thought and emotion? I love Mar, but I don't want to restrict her or dictate who she can talk to. At the same time, I fear committing to something, not because it’s wrong, but because I'm terrified of losing something better (though she is truly the best thing I have).

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

How can I feel okay when being human entails suffering? How can I be well when I desire to be with you yet also yearn for your departure? I wish to escape the paradox that is love. We crave affection, yet we despise the vulnerability that comes with it.

How can I be fine? Even when I lack reasons to feel bad, I still don’t feel okay. Ironically, today is one of those days when the phrase “as long as you’re well” frustrates me.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading! A little applause and a follow would mean a lot. I appreciate your presence in this universe of my thoughts and expressions. Wishing you a fantastic morning, afternoon, or evening!

You can read my latest piece, “On Death, Love, and Goodbye II” here, or if you prefer, a short story I wrote recently titled “Letters of Lost Love.”