Embracing Authenticity: Shedding the Need for Perfection
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Chapter 1: The Struggle with Perfectionism
For several years, I have been navigating the path of recovering from perfectionism. Letting go of the need for perfection has allowed me to break free from my dependence on external validation and embrace my true self.
Starting from a young age, my self-worth was intricately tied to receiving affirmations. Being the "easy child" and the "teacher’s favorite" translated into being the boss's go-to at work. I subconsciously equated positive validation with my value, which drove me to overextend myself. My belief was that giving meant I was worthy, not inadequate.
Initially, I didn’t view perfectionism as a flaw; rather, it defined my identity. I couldn’t allow myself to fall below a certain standard. Whenever I attempted to do so, fear would take hold, compelling me to return to work. This drive led to personal sacrifices and a deep envy for those who seemed unaffected by similar pressures.
Throughout two decades, I faced numerous physical and emotional challenges, including heart palpitations, recurring illnesses, acne, weight changes, malnutrition, and depression. These were manifestations of my perfectionist tendencies. Yet, I still associated my relentless pursuit of perfection with my identity. It was a vicious cycle: I would work tirelessly, earn promotions, and then push myself even harder. I often wondered, when would it be enough? Yet, the elusive "enough" never arrived. So, when I received feedback that I was too hard on myself, my immediate thought was, who am I if I’m not achieving?
I had mistakenly placed perfection on a pedestal, and sadly, so did those around me. Organizations thrive on perfectionists; we double-check our work, value our reputations, take on various roles, and rarely complain about late nights. Perfectionists strive to remain relevant, but this expectation often stifles authenticity and discourages failure, which are essential for growth and belonging.
So, what did it take to release my hold on perfection? I needed to explore the reasons behind my desire for perfection.
Section 1.1: The Origins of Perfectionism
Workplaces can be toxic, filled with individuals who have faced harm. At my core, I am still that child seeking approval. As the oldest in a large family, I learned that achievements garnered attention, so I pursued them. Feeling unworthy of love, I believed I had to earn it. My mind connected rewards with behaviors, making me think that the pain was worth the high.
However, the need for perfection drained me and fortified my defenses. I felt compelled to be right; disapproval and judgment were terrifying, rooted in childhood fears of disappointing my parents. This fear fueled my need for constant validation from others.
Perfectionism is often a blend of anxiety and obsessive-compulsive behaviors. While it can drive accomplishments, the danger lies in its slippery slope. Setting unattainable expectations leads to burnout, low self-esteem, and feelings of failure. I had to recognize the societal pressures that promote perfectionism, especially among women.
Our culture influences us in ways that are often hard to unravel. We absorb familial, societal, and media expectations, including the pervasive diet culture. I vividly recall being labeled "fat" in high school, which left me feeling inadequate and consumed by others' opinions. This internal voice of inadequacy pushed me toward perfection.
Subsection 1.1.1: The Weight of Expectations
Today, I see the inauthenticity in striving for societal perfection, but for a long time, I craved acceptance and validation. Recognizing perfectionism as something to heal from was just the beginning. The next step was to cultivate an internal sense of worth.
Self-worth is often tied to self-esteem—our perception of ourselves. Historically, I sought validation from others, from small compliments to significant achievements. I also internalized rejection, whether it was not getting a job or receiving no feedback on my efforts. By relying on others, I harmed myself; it was not their responsibility to validate my worth.
The standards I set for myself constantly changed, depending on whom I was trying to impress. I realized no one instructed me on how to define happiness, success, or joy for myself. It was transformative to understand that I could envision the life I desired and the person I wanted to become.
Section 1.2: Redefining Success and Worth
Building my vision did not eliminate my need for validation. I still seek feedback from relevant individuals but now with specific questions to clarify my needs. Context is crucial; while feedback is an integral part of life, it’s not always constructive. I’ve learned to scrutinize the input I receive.
I distanced my identity from my job. When my response to "what do you do" also defined "who I am," it amplified my workplace anxieties. Through journaling, I discovered my true self and the person I aspired to be. I established a system for self-reflection, no longer allowing others to dictate my self-worth. This shift has fostered trust in my intuition.
When I stopped depending on others for validation, I could assess the life I was creating. My decisions became my own, free from the need for approval. Embracing my intuition involved careful evaluation, allowing me to trust my instincts and feelings. I realized I could never be perfect in the eyes of others, but living authentically according to my values brought a sense of belonging and adequacy.
Once I stopped curating my persona for others, I discovered many shared my struggles with perfectionism, imposter syndrome, and worthiness. Although these challenges persist, I continually reflect on what I want my self-worth to be based on. The answer remains consistent: it begins and ends with me.
Chapter 2: Insights from Personal Experience
The first video titled "If you feel like you haven't accomplished anything in life" offers insights on overcoming feelings of inadequacy and finding purpose.
The second video titled "Watch this if you're in 30s, lost and achieved nothing in life" addresses the common struggles of feeling lost and unfulfilled while providing encouragement for self-discovery.
The journey of letting go of perfectionism is ongoing, but the path toward authenticity and self-acceptance is now clearer than ever.