Chapter 1: Reflecting on a Decade of Change

Five years ago, a suggestion was made to document how my worldview has shifted since I launched Dr. Psych Mom in 2014. Recently, I've revisited that idea, comparing my current perspectives with those I held back then. Below, I highlight the key points from my earlier post, followed by my thoughts today, and I’ll introduce five new insights. I hope you find this exploration enjoyable!

1. Parenting has no single correct approach. While I largely agree with this notion, I recognize that an anxious or overly protective parenting style can lead to anxiety in children. This topic is discussed in detail in my previous posts. The rise in parental anxiety, exacerbated by COVID-19, has resulted in a marked increase in children who are fearful of the world, refuse school, or manifest physical symptoms of stress. If there's one issue you should focus on for the sake of your children, it’s addressing your anxiety.
2. Not all incompatibilities can be resolved. I stand by this point, which is why I don’t advocate for couples therapy for dating partners without children. I elaborate on this in the video below. Furthermore, it’s crucial to recognize that women with low libido often find it decreases further after marriage. Early signs of a partner’s dwindling interest in sex can be masked during the honeymoon phase, much like being intoxicated. Additionally, I’ve encountered numerous women in therapy who ultimately part ways with partners with ADHD, which led me to create a podcast on the topic. Be sure to check my updates at the end of this post.

3. Divorce isn’t the end of the world. In my initial post, I mentioned how my children were excited about my upcoming wedding, and I felt more assured than before that I was modeling a loving relationship for them. This sentiment holds true today. One of my daughters recently expressed a desire for a boyfriend who treats her as well as my husband treats me, which brings me joy as I strive to break the cycle of dysfunction I experienced in my upbringing. Many clients who have divorced have shared how beneficial their breaks from parenting have been, enabling them to be more patient and calm when with their children.
4. Biological factors can outweigh psychological ones. I explored this topic in depth previously, and my views have only solidified. Working with more women experiencing perimenopause and menopause has shown me how drastically they can feel disconnected from their younger selves. It’s akin to perceiving a younger sister rather than a continuous self. I discuss these transitions in various forums. I also believe that many individuals would benefit from considering divorce once the children are grown if they feel biologically transformed.
5. The role of a stay-at-home parent is incredibly challenging. I completely agree with this statement. As my business has grown significantly over the past five years, I’ve gained a deeper appreciation for the responsibilities of being the primary financial provider. I’ve also become increasingly aware of how many stay-at-home mothers struggle with undiagnosed postpartum depression and anxiety, especially if they lack a strong support network. If you find parenting more burdensome than your partner’s job, it may be worth exploring in therapy.

These five points represent my original observations, but I’d like to add five more themes I’ve identified in recent years through my practice.

6. Open-mindedness predicts relationship satisfaction. In both intimate and everyday situations, being open-minded and non-defensive is essential for resolving conflicts. Rigid thinking can alienate partners, leading them to prefer solitude over a relationship marked by inflexibility. I used to believe that two close-minded individuals could coexist peacefully, but this rarely holds true. Encourage your children to develop open-mindedness, empathy, and perspective-taking skills to foster healthier adult relationships.
7. The impact of a sex-negative upbringing is more severe than I previously thought. Through the expansion of my practice, particularly during the telehealth surge in 2020, I've encountered numerous clients who were raised in environments that stigmatized sexual expression. The stories I hear reinforce my belief that instilling fear around sexuality can be an unintentional form of abuse. Individuals raised this way often feel apprehensive about sexual experiences prior to marriage, only to struggle with shifting their mindset afterward. While counseling can assist in overcoming these barriers, it is indeed a tough journey.
8. Many people are experiencing unsatisfactory sexual lives. I have come to realize how prevalent issues such as lack of foreplay, insufficient communication about desires, and general discomfort with sexual topics are. My background in a liberal environment highlighted these discrepancies, but through telehealth, I've encountered clients from diverse backgrounds where open discussion about sex was almost nonexistent. Just the act of discussing sexual matters openly in therapy can be transformative for couples, allowing them to confront their fears and enhance their sexual connection.
9. High-libido women often undergo significant changes due to age and hormonal fluctuations. Men must empathize with the emotional toll that these changes can have on women who once identified as highly sexual. This transition can be profound, and if men focus solely on their own needs, it risks creating emotional distance that jeopardizes the relationship.
10. Accepting aging is crucial for mental well-being in later life. I have observed a growing aversion to aging, which can negatively affect relationships with partners and even adult children. Denying the inevitability of change can create tension and dissatisfaction. It’s important to cultivate a balanced perspective on aging and understand that shifts in sexual dynamics are a natural part of life.

I appreciate the suggestion to revisit this topic; it has been an enlightening exercise for me. Until next time, I remain The Blogapist, looking forward to sharing more insights as I approach the average age of menopause (52) in the coming years!

For therapy inquiries, visit Dr. Whiten’s practice at Best Life Behavioral Health. For coaching, check out Dr. Whiten’s offerings. You can also order her books, including 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce, and listen to The Dr. Psych Mom Show on various platforms. Join The Dr. Psych Mom secret Facebook group for further discussions on these topics!

This blog is not a substitute for professional medical advice. If you try any of this advice and it proves ineffective, please understand that these opinions stem from my background and experience as a therapist. All examples provided are hypothetical and do not represent real individuals.